Week One Hundred and Forty-Seven - R.E.M. - "Fall On Me" - Lifes Rich Pageant

As hopeful as I was that 2015 was going to bring nothing but goodness to me, I have to admit that, here recently, life has been kicking me in the arse pretty hardcore.

So the year started out with a situation involving my sister, and it had potentially severe consequences for her, including me having to assume the role of raising my nephew. Although the situation has appeared to resolve itself, for the most part, there were still some sleepless nights and episodes of intense stress concerning the entire debacle.

Shortly after that, I lost my beloved little dog, Budgie, whom I had for 13 years, to heart failure. Only those who have ever grown close to a pet can understand the heart-wrenching pain that comes along with having to make the decision to end the suffering of such pet, but I will tell you that it hurts like hell!!!

All of this was followed by my dad's mini-stroke that occurred this past Monday. I found myself driving to the hospital in Waco early Tuesday morning with no real indication as to the after-effects of the mini-stroke and what exactly my family and I would have to face as a result. However, my dad seemed to pull through it like a champ with no severe damage to his faculties or systems.

So where most people turn to alcohol or medications or food or sex or whatever to help them through situations such as these, I choose not to indulge in such escapes. My answer to life's challenges these days is to lace up my running shoes, grab my mp3 player, and walk around White Rock Lake, which is exactly what I did yesterday.

While taking in the fresh air, sunshine, and beauty of the outdoors, "Fall On Me" came on. Although I've heard it a million times, for some reason, I seemed to really hear it yesterday. I guess I've just finally come to the realization that, no matter how much I wish it wasn't like this, life is really hard. You've got to take pleasure in the little moments when you feel alive... and as long as the sky hasn't fallen in on you, you have to do your best to keep on keepin' on and to draw from your own inner strength because others don't always have the ability, time, or even the desire to be there for you.

I found a silly little article on R.E.M. in a Spin anniversary edition that I will include for you today. Interestingly enough, the photographer is Anton Corbijn, whom I've mentioned numerous times on this blog, in connection with his work on photographs and videos involving many of my other favorite artists. I will also include a few of my other favorite tunes by R.E.M. called "Strange Currencies" and "Bittersweet Me"... but once again, you owe it to yourself to check out their other stuff if you've never really gotten into R.E.M. on your own because they're simply amazing!!!

There's the problem, feathers, iron
Bargain buildings, weights and pulleys
Feathers hit the ground before the weight can leave the air
Buy the sky and sell the sky and tell the sky and tell the sky
Don't fall on me
(What is it up in the air for)
(It's gonna fall)
Fall on me
(If it's there for long)
(It's gonna fall)
Fall on me
(It's over it's over me)
There's the progress we have found
(When the rain)
A way to talk around the problem
(When the children reign)
Building towered foresight, isn't anything at all
(Keep your conscience in the dark)
(Melt the statues in the park)
Buy the sky and sell the sky and bleed the sky and tell the sky
Don't fall on me
(What is it up in the air for)
(It's gonna fall)
Fall on me
(If it's there for long)
(It's gonna fall)
Fall on me
(It's over it's over me)
Fall on me
Well I could keep it above
But then it wouldn't be sky anymore
So if I send it to you
You've got to promise to keep it whole
Buy the sky and sell the sky
And lift your arms up to the sky
And ask the sky and ask the sky
Don't fall on me
(What is it up in the air for)
(It's gonna fall)
Fall on me
(If it's there for long)
(It's gonna fall)
Fall on me
(It's over it's over me)
Don't fall on me
(What is it up in the air for)
(It's gonna fall)
Fall on me
(If it's there for long)
(It's gonna fall)
Fall on me
(It's over it's over me)
Fall on me
Don't fall on me
(What is it up in the air for)
(It's gonna fall)
Fall on me
(If it's there for long)
(It's gonna fall)
Fall on me
(It's over it's over me)

Week One Hundred and Forty-Six: The Creatures - "Pity" - Boomerang

Yes, you are getting this post one day early, and no, it is not because it is Valentine's Day... However, I think you will understand why I have done what I have done by the time you make it to the end of this post. And now I will tell you the story of Budgie...

I met Budgie in June of 2002 when he was a resident of the Forney Road Animal Shelter in Pleasant Grove. He was only six (6) months old when we first met. In fact, he was so tiny that they housed him behind the glass with the cats because they were afraid he was going to slip through the cage bars if they put him with the dogs. Budgie was originally named Tico, and he was born without one of his toes.

Budgie was not originally mine. One of my ex-boyfriends actually rescued Budgie, but when he finally got Budgie home, he decided that he was too little. He called him a "stupid, gay little dog" and declared that he was taking him back to the shelter. (In case you were wondering, yes, it was the abusive boyfriend that was unfortunately part of my life for six (6) years.) My heart was breaking for Budgie. He had just been neutered, had just found a home, and was going to be taken back just like that. I couldn't let it happen, so I agreed to take him in.

Budgie and I have been through everything together. He was with me through every major relationship, every major break up, the death of my first dog, Siouxsie, the loss of almost all of my grandparents, my alcoholism, my sobriety, all of my new career changes. Everything I have gone through over the past 13 years, he was right there by my side.

Budgie was diagnosed with a heart murmur a few years ago, and he succumbed to the final stage of heart failure this past Sunday around 11:00 pm. I will be leaving in a few hours to bury Budgie down at the lake next to Siouxsie. Today will be very sad for me, and I can't go through all of these feelings again on Sunday. Therefore, I am posting this memorial for him today on Valentine's Day.

I won't go into all of the gruesome details of what lead me to realize that Budgie was at the end of his life. However, I will tell you that, in essence, his heart became enlarged from working overtime while trying to pump blood out into his body. I would prefer to think that he loved so many people so fiercely that his heart got so big that his body couldn't hold it anymore.

Now, I will include a little photo history for you. The first few pages are from the scrapbook that I made for Siouxsie after her death...

Below are a few of the photos I snapped of Budgie after he officially became mine:

Budgie seriously loved everybody, even my cat, August. In the picture below, he is actually hugging August:

Budgie was such a little snuggle bug, and he loved to be warm and cozy. In the picture below, he is laying in his bed next to an oil heater:

You might recall that Budgie went through a major surgery approximately four (4) months ago to remove some bladder stones when I posted that he now possessed an $1100 penis. It was in my Kate Bush - "Running Up That Hill" post. Here is his picture from when I picked him up from surgery:

And aside from this box of ashes that I will bury in a few short hours, all that is left of my loyal little companion of 13 years are my memories. When I said goodbye to him, I kissed him on his head, told him he was such a good little boy, thanked him for everything, and told him to come visit me often in my dreams:

So the real question you may be asking yourself is why I selected a song by The Creatures. The Creatures were made up of Siouxsie and her husband, Budgie, from Siouxsie & the Banshees. They were also the namesakes for my dogs, and I even designated it on their tags:

So until we meet again, my precious little Siouxsie and my precious little Budgie, I hope you are having a complete and total blast at the Rainbow Bridge... I love you both with all my heart! And remember to come visit me in my dreams as often as you can...

Ugly words, ugly crimes,
ugly thoughts invade your mind
No charity, no dignity,
no sympathy... so I'll be deaf, dumb, and blind today
Nausea is all I feel today
Divorce these crimes from my eyes

Lowered cowls, silent vows,
withered crocus on the ground abound
From your cell are distant bells,
blossom falls like snow and dies in silence
All decays and breaks silence
All decays then dies...

Sadness chimes bitter times
Hardened fools unfair, unkind
Mercy me, mercy you
Say you do have pity for the things we do
Say you do... you do

Save me... no vision today
Save me... no hearing or speaking today

Say you do have pity for the things we do
Say you do... you do

Hear no evil, see no evil, say no evil. 

Week One Hundred and Forty-Five: The Coral Sea - "Lake and Ocean" - Volcano and Heart

I was talking to my younger sister a few days ago, and she commented to me that I am one of the most centered and relaxed individuals she knows. She also said that I always seem very much at peace and even genuinely happy. All of this is very true in fact!

Then she asked, "How in the hell did you do it?" You see, this is because there was a time in my life when I was a very angry, hateful, and bitter individual who relied heavily on alcohol and psychiatric medications just to get me through each day.

So I shared my secret with her. It's really not even a secret. It's a fairly widespread suggestion. Here it is: You have to absolutely, sincerely, and wholeheartedly forgive every person who has ever hurt and/or wronged you AND you have to pray or ask the universe to send peace of mind and goodness to those same people. 

Her response was as follows: "You've got to be effin' kidding me?!?!?!" Nope, I'm not... not at all. Okay, I know... it sounds very hokey and completely impossible at the same time, but just hear me out. 

Pick one or two people that you hate the most. Start by saying out loud or quietly to yourself that you forgive them.  Then follow it up by saying that you hope only goodness, kindness, and peace of mind are sent to them. Everything that you want for yourself, send it their way. At first you probably won't mean it, but keep doing it day after day.

I promise that something inside of you will change... and haven't we all heard that change must come from within?? Your heart will soften and stop carrying around so much hate. Eventually, you will even truly forgive those you hate the most, and you may even allow yourself to see why the people who hurt you did what they did. It absolutely will never excuse their behavior or even make it right, but you will no longer have to burden yourself with anger and hatred. Forgiving everyone almost immediately will become so second nature that you will never have to carry around resentment ever again.

She asked me if it really works, and here was my response:

Me: "How many people do you know who have ever done this?"
Her: "Just you..."
Me: "How may people do you know who are truly at peace?"
Her: "Just you..."

I rest my case!! And today's song just so happens to bring me a ton of peace every time I hear it; therefore, I wanted to share it with you all... Enjoy! Oh, and also forgive, pray, and send good wishes to anyone who has ever wronged you!!!

 You don't fight
You don't sigh
You don't listen back
Even on the trail of love
You're all done
We're not finished yet
Seeing heights my heart bequeaths

You don't see
You don't need
You don't matter now
Even on the trail of love
You don't fall
You don't recognize
All the things I did for you
But I am over
The things you did to me
It's uneasy but it's true
I didn't I say?
Oh didn't I treat you right?
You were breaking me down
Didn't I treat you right?
I'm breaking you down

All and all you're just a lake
Inside my ocean
All and all you're just for me
All and all you're just a lake
Inside my ocean
Every way I see

You don't fight
You're all kind
You don't listen back
Even on the trail of love
You don't see
You don't recognize
All the things I did for you
But I am over
The things you did to me
It's uneasy but it's true
I didn't I say?
Oh didn't I treat you right?
You were breaking me down

Even so
You don't call
And you say
You messed up
When you left me
In the sun
In the cell

In a vise
You don't care
And you're fine
You don't hurt
And you'll always be mine 

 

Week One Hundred and Forty-Four: The Blow - "True Affection" - Paper Television

So after discovering that Pandora had a sleep timer under the "settings" feature, I have spent my past few months drifting off to the tunes that it selects for me while shuffling my stations. A few weeks ago, however, I was completely jarred out of my sleep by this one. In fact, I kind of thought I was just dreaming it at first. It is so unlike anything that I have heard in quite some time. Much to my surprise, it was actually released in 2006, so I'm not sure how I missed it. Regardless, I am so pleased that it finally found me!

I was hoping to fall equally in love with some of their other tunes. Sadly, no matter how many I attempted to make it through, I could really only find one other that I like called "Hey Boy". Enjoy!!!

I was out of your league
And you were twenty thousand underneath the sea
Waving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't want to see
Down to the bottom

I wanted a junction and often there was one
You'd surfaced face-first and we'd
Share thought bubbles and
I still believe in the phrases that we breathed
But I know the distance isn't fair to cross

I was out of your league
And you were twenty thousand underneath the sea
Waving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't want to see
Wanted you nearer

Your depths made a pressure that
Punctured my works and all your fluids couldn't tolerate the
Force of my thirst
I love the place where we shared our tiny grace
But just because its real don't mean its gonna work

I was out of your league
And you were twenty thousand underneath the sea
Waving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't want to see
Wanted you nearer

And true affection floats
True affection sinks
Like a stone
I never felt so close
I never felt so all alone

I was out of your league
And you were twenty thousand underneath the sea
Waving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't want to see
Wanted you nearer